walhalla here i come

today, i hear the bees buzzing, i see the birds flying, the children play. i can smell the trees again, after such a long, dark period. i'm in love. yes, i've been in love before. i've been here before, in this sunny world where normal people can't come.
 i have it bad this time. 
once again i can't eat without my stomic turning and protesting, i can't sleep like i should,
and i can't think about anything else. the walls of my life are painted pink, by the very person i love. i don't think he realises it fully how i'm floating by the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin, the look on his face when he calls my name. this is my walhalla. my nirvana. my heaven where i'm still alive in. i allways said to myself to not throw myself for the wolves like this, but i can't help it. he's the star above my head right now. my do-it-yourself-everything. this might be a lovesong. i used to hate lovesongs. now i can only love. it comes spilling out trough the words i speak.trough the things i do.
 call me a dreamer. i'll tell you this is my favourite lightmare. <3

heel even maar

ik wil het naar je schreeuwen. luidkeels mijn hart in stukjes naar je toeschreeuwen. luidkeels je vertellen dat ik het aller-allerliefst bij jou wil zijn. je warmte wil delen, je in me opnemen. nòòit meer hoeven denken dat ik je mis, dak ik je hoe langer hoe liever zie, ookal is je liefde niet meer van mij, en kan ik me nog maar vaag je details herineren. ik wil naar je schreeuwen dat ik het liefst bij 
jou zou zijn, zelfs tot het einde van
de wereld. maar ik mag niet schreeuwen. ik mag niet luidkeels mijn meest vurige, innige verlangens naar je schreeuwen. ik moet sterk de zich naar buiten vechtende geheimen binnen houden. mijn
dromen opzij schuiven. de kleine leugentjes en verzwijgingen tot een web weven, waar jij je leven achter kan leiden. een leven zonder mij. zonder de illusies die ik koester als vrienden, maar die vals en gemeen zijn als vijanden. koud en leeg zijn ze, ookal schitteren ze aan de buitenkant, als ruwe diamanten. klaar om naar buiten geschreeuwd te worden...

le ciel est obscure ce soir

à nuits comme lequel, je te manque.
je te manque avec le feu comme des milles soleils.
le silence tu as abandonné, me tue. ce me brise contre le terre.
le jour tu allais, est comme une brûlure, marqué à mon mémoire. marqué à mon abîmé coeur.
à nuits comme lequel, le ciel est obscure. tous les étoiles sont éteindu. tous les lumiéres sont noir. où es-tu, mon sombre amour? tu croix de moi parfois? tu croix de le temps on a spendé avec le coeur sur notre langue et les étoiles dans notre yeux. avec la mer entre notre orteils et le vent 
par notre cheveux. je te crie parfois, mais sans son. le son est fixe dans ma gorge. 
à le point de ma langue. prêt de se batte dans un arc-en-ciel des désirs.
dans les papillons avec l'espoir perfide.

je te manque
mon sombre amour.
et le ciel
est obscure ce soir.

say something else, say something else, say something different. say something that might never come true, that we'll never be speaking of again, but lie to me. lie to me as if it was the truth. the truth that was allways hidden from the sun. a dusty old truth that has never been seen before. just to make me believe it's real. just to make me believ it will be all over tomorow, it will all be like before i messed up. before i let it all slip because i was afraid for what would come. now i miss you with the fire off hell. i miss you like i'd miss the sun. the moon. i miss you like in a horrible dream of coming and going. i hate myself i hate myself i fucking hate myself. how could i be THAT stupid to give up the one thing that really mattered? I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. i... fucking... what ever.

the lost cellphone

i had a quest today. offcourse, i didn't defeat dragons. i didn't fight wild horses, or angry pitbulls. tough i didn't do what a regular knight does every fucking day, i battled with something else. something called misery, depressivity,
sadness. not my own, the hole
where one of my very best friend fell in. it's not easy to pull her out, but i do. i allways do. because i know, she'd do it for me. the hole was there. it came as a black, deep nothing to me and i had to find a way out of there, together with her. she had so much to deal with, and what does she find out? her cellphone's gone. it's gone, nowhere to see. i even called it, but it was gone. she must have dropped it somewhere in the road there. everything felt a little like it went in a downwords spiral. deeper and deeper. i wanted to promiss her it would be allright, it would all be fine, but i couldn't do that. it wasn't going to be allright. i amn't allmighty, and if i was, i'd really make it better, but i couldn't. i was as powerfull as the rest of the world, and i couldn't do shit about it. so, we went looking. the ferther we walked trough the rain, the more useless i started to fell. untill i saw something shining under a car. i only had looked for a second, but i saw it shining. and guess what it was. the cellphone. after all the miserie there had been, after all the rain that had made us miserable, there was a little light to make us just a little bit more happy. for a little while, it seemed like it would all be ok. just what she needed.

time

your time is ticking away on my meadows of yesterday. but what is time? how important is that that everybody wants that badly? people say time heals the wounds.  time heals the wounds. maybe some wounds can't be heald by time. than what can you do about that? more time? more everthing-curing medicin? maybe time doesn't heal the wounds. time gives you the oppertunity to heal them yourslef. time tells you that it's over. that the wounds, no matter how deep, won't be closed anymore, because what time gives, he doesn't take back. wheter you asked fot it or not. maybe time didn't braught us together. maybe this wasn't planned? than it's all a paper dream. a fool's fantasy. only braugt by time to slaughter the flesh and skin the life. this wound won't heel. this wound is still raw and deep like it allways was, for as long as i can remember. i can't rewind this pain. i can't cure this timebom. allready expoded, but still ticking. still ticking...

...

i'm ready to break. i mean it, ready to fall, with my face on the floor. it's too much, it's just fucking too much.
 everything is stressing me out. every word anyone sais 
can make me cry right now. i scream, i yell, i die inside. but no-one can hear what i'm doing on the inside. no-one feels what's going on in my mind. i can allmost hear the alarmbel ticking in my head, waiting for that last thing that can make it explode. it makes me feel like a balloon, filled up, more and more, untill it explodes. and after that, i feel empty. just like the balloon. i'm more in sudden death than ever. i feel worse than ever. i can't talk about everything. i can't say that that's afraid of the daylight. you can't fix what you can't see. am i pushing you away? are you afraid to know this truth? or am i afraid of it. is it me who tries to deny what's clearly alive?