dead

i came to a terrible constentation this morning. i woke up,took a shower and went down. there,i see something what's the best to compare with a battlefield after war. there were fethers and blood everywhere. and my cat was just sleeping,a little too happy for me. the bird,i taught. THE BIRD! oh no,poor poor bleubeard! not even something left to burry. i should have protected him. i kind of feel like it's my fault. well,the rest of the day i spend with my boyfriend (let's not give details...) and later that night i felt so empty again. i was hungry,but only the taught of food alone made me sick. i was lonely,but i would only felt worse in company. i wanted to do something,but i couldn't.. i just couldn't.i just had a silent grey rush in my head,in my vains. like the feeling i couldn't hide for myself. for my dangerous, stormy life i created myself. well,i'm still alone. my bird is dead. i don't know what to do or to feel. i hit my head 4 times today. things are not really f*cking great. you know that song"iris"? well,that's pretty much the way i feel right now. good night and so long.