wake me up if you're gone

once upon a time, i discoverd what hate is. this story looks like a fairytale if you just read this first sentence. maybe this was a bad, scary fairytale, just without a happy ever after. just about a girl that discoverd hate and a man that i won't call man but monster that discoverd the hate of that same girl. locked up in eachothers lives, but both impossible to escape. yes, i hate you. i hate you to the bone. i can't stand the taught you live. i can't stand you looking alive and well, if my only wish is that you die. if my only great hope is that once you'll escape from the inside 
of my life. i caught myself in these 
taughts allmost every day. only spoken to the walls, not even out loud, feared by the damage they will do. i amn't even alowed to hate you. my own mother blames me for it. she knows the horrible reasen, that is afraid of the daylight, but i can't hate. she won't let me. so i lock it up. and deep inside, where no-one notices it, it grows. bigger and bigger. maybe i'll explode someday. maybe the walls can't stand my inner 
scream anmore someday. and
whgo knows what is going to come out than...

my dirty little secret

last night, between panic and laughter, between the fear in our eyes and the fun in our voices, we ran, as hard as we could. we ran far away from the place we had a warm little piece of heaven. not because it wasn't heaven anymore, but because we had to go. and after we ran a lot, after we couldn't stop laughing anymore, i only felt this warm great love for him. like i could handle this confusing beautiful, allmost perfect moment only if he'd stay with me.  he just switched the place of the stars and the ground and back. and so we got as fast as possible away, only chased by the night, and an imaginary fear. a sweet, imaginary hunter. only hunting untill we got closer together, until we allmost became one. the rittm of his heartbeat, the sound of his steps. it all became intence like fire in our soul. things don't have to go like they allways do to be happy. to need nothing but you breath and your love. to forget about the world around you. x3

grafitti walls

the rain drops like happy little death on my warm white skin.
overtaken i come one with the grafitti walls behind me. the time leaves me alone, leaves me hurrying to the place i don't have to be. my legs are breathing every step, allmost forbidden to stop
 walking. carefully, afraid to stop, my blood rushes trough my vains. i can hear the heartbeat of fainted people trough the walls in
the houses. trough the grafitti walls i'm only a part of. am i a sacrifice if i stop walking now? or wouldn't anyone care if i'd just stopped here and left myself to the wolves. the wolves aren't
really wolves out here. they're grimm reaper, death itself, maybe just in the body
of a 10-year old boy. would anyone cared for one minute, just one minute if i'd just dissapeared
 in the purple sky above my 
head? and so my legs were bringing me to a place i don't have to be, locked up by myself in my taughts.  just because i couldn't stay on the place i once belonged. and so i dropped myself in my field of paper flowers, in my imaginary world, in my own created home over the rainbow. so i tricked myself by telling that this bittersweet haven is paradise. only forgotten to mention it was allready fallen.
...

in my field of paper flowers.

it's not going today. maybe because it's my first day of school, maybe it's because i had to drag myself out of my bed today, 
maybe it's because i don't
have koen in my near presence. during the day it went a little, as long as i kept bussy. but now i hate i hate i hate today. stupid rintjo who thinks he's something. well guess what! he's nothing! he's not my buddy! and koen is like a 1000 times better than him! in all things. and why does everybody thinks they know me? nobody really knows me exactly. no-one really wants to learn to know me. what a shity day. you know what rintjo said to me? you wanna know? well, he told me that i was the little slave of koen, and i was mad at him (rintjo) because koen told me so. than offcourse i got mad and told him he could smodder in this stupid fight, and that if he was planning to fight more with koen, he shouldn't come near me either. than, he talked to leentje.he even believed himself when he told leentje that koen wanted to ruin our "great friendship" (guess what, asshole, i'm not your friend, and i've never been) because he was jealous. i hate this shit. i hate today. i hate feelings. and i hate the sun. glad now the moon is big and silver shining me happy. glad this day is over. glad i fall in a deep sleep in a few houers, and allmost feel dead. i hope tomorow goes better.

...

just
let me die by your heartbeat
let me sleep, surrounded by your warmth.
promiss me nothing;
no world anymore
no food
no air.
just you.

i can scream at the walls
how much your presence controles 
the stupid things i used to do.
how much
it hurts
when you're leaving.
i can scream 3 stupid words
just to show myself, not ment for someone else
how much
i love you.

just in case
you wouldn't know...

lonelyness is the enemy

it's allmost 11, i'm all alone in the house in front of my computer. and the lonelyness strikes. it happens a lot to me, when i don't really want to be with someone (accept for one person, i long to be with him every minute of the day) because i feel tired, but not sleepy. but i also feel terribly lonely. i feel like the whole world around me is dead and i forgot about them a long time ago. since i've been back from turkey, i've been haunted by nightmares. every single night i dream i die. one night i have to play a horrible game for my life, the other i die slowely with just an houer left to live. but all dreams have one thing in coment. they all feel like they're real. every night i feel litterly the life being suckt out of my body. every night again, i can taste the horrible last minutes of a humans life. untill i wake up, and try to forget what i dremt and just continue living my life as allways. but these nightmares don't just feel like normal dreams, that you forget before you wake up. no, i can stil taste every detail of them. i can hear my subcontience screaming to the part brain i use every day
 that there's something's not right. that there's something bad's about to happen. and i hold my heart and die to know what deep inside me is allready clear, but can't reach the surface. what horrible thing do i know inside that let me die every night? only that by itself makes me lonely. because the only one that can find out what me is trying to tell me is... well, me. and this is not some paranormal bullshit, it's not a prediction, but just something i have to find out about myself. i don't think i'm actually going to die, but a part of me will. 
atleast, my mind is pretty 
certain of it. and if i can't trust my intuition, what can i? i don't want this to be clear, but i'm afraid this part of death in me will show itmself sooner than expected.
...

preparing for the storm(1/08/07)

whatever created earth and sky ; god, boeddha, satan, maybe the fucking fairyprincess. it feel so wrong what it's doing to me right now. love isn't great. love isn't as beautiful as people try to pretend, but cruel and hard and doesn't allways has a happy ending. saying goodbye to koen is the hardest thing i've ever done. and my dad decided to punish me tonight, our last night we can spend together. i put large, dark sunglasses on my face today, to cover the tears in my eyes. i don't understand this, why do i feel this horrible mess for someone i don't really know. but i long to know him, to learn every detail there is about him. my dad is hard and doesn't give in when i beg him to punish me another day, but when i burst in tears, he gets softer and decides to let me go to sleep at eleven. the short time i was allowed to spend with him, hurted more than 
during the day, when i
wasn't with him. i wanted to never again let go of him, but knew it had to. i wanted to die there, so i wouldn't have to say goodbye. the words "i love you" were like drugs in my vains, at the moment my whole body trembled of them, but i allready knew that they only would bring pain tomorow. i only got one houer extra, in my room, and after that, i couldn't stand it anymore being on the place he was just a minute ago. right now, i didn't cry more than one tear. but the emptyness he left is a thousand times more painfull than all the tears i cried in my life together. i learned there's something like soft sadness, when you can cry it out. and there's empty sadness. and you just stay with that, untill it became so unclear that you just don't notice it anymore. life is less a joke than ever tonight. like evanescence said:

I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
Erase the silence
Erase my life
Our burning ashes
Blacken the day
A world of nothingness
Blow me away