preparing for the storm(1/08/07)

whatever created earth and sky ; god, boeddha, satan, maybe the fucking fairyprincess. it feel so wrong what it's doing to me right now. love isn't great. love isn't as beautiful as people try to pretend, but cruel and hard and doesn't allways has a happy ending. saying goodbye to koen is the hardest thing i've ever done. and my dad decided to punish me tonight, our last night we can spend together. i put large, dark sunglasses on my face today, to cover the tears in my eyes. i don't understand this, why do i feel this horrible mess for someone i don't really know. but i long to know him, to learn every detail there is about him. my dad is hard and doesn't give in when i beg him to punish me another day, but when i burst in tears, he gets softer and decides to let me go to sleep at eleven. the short time i was allowed to spend with him, hurted more than 
during the day, when i
wasn't with him. i wanted to never again let go of him, but knew it had to. i wanted to die there, so i wouldn't have to say goodbye. the words "i love you" were like drugs in my vains, at the moment my whole body trembled of them, but i allready knew that they only would bring pain tomorow. i only got one houer extra, in my room, and after that, i couldn't stand it anymore being on the place he was just a minute ago. right now, i didn't cry more than one tear. but the emptyness he left is a thousand times more painfull than all the tears i cried in my life together. i learned there's something like soft sadness, when you can cry it out. and there's empty sadness. and you just stay with that, untill it became so unclear that you just don't notice it anymore. life is less a joke than ever tonight. like evanescence said:

I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
Erase the silence
Erase my life
Our burning ashes
Blacken the day
A world of nothingness
Blow me away