lonelyness is the enemy

it's allmost 11, i'm all alone in the house in front of my computer. and the lonelyness strikes. it happens a lot to me, when i don't really want to be with someone (accept for one person, i long to be with him every minute of the day) because i feel tired, but not sleepy. but i also feel terribly lonely. i feel like the whole world around me is dead and i forgot about them a long time ago. since i've been back from turkey, i've been haunted by nightmares. every single night i dream i die. one night i have to play a horrible game for my life, the other i die slowely with just an houer left to live. but all dreams have one thing in coment. they all feel like they're real. every night i feel litterly the life being suckt out of my body. every night again, i can taste the horrible last minutes of a humans life. untill i wake up, and try to forget what i dremt and just continue living my life as allways. but these nightmares don't just feel like normal dreams, that you forget before you wake up. no, i can stil taste every detail of them. i can hear my subcontience screaming to the part brain i use every day
 that there's something's not right. that there's something bad's about to happen. and i hold my heart and die to know what deep inside me is allready clear, but can't reach the surface. what horrible thing do i know inside that let me die every night? only that by itself makes me lonely. because the only one that can find out what me is trying to tell me is... well, me. and this is not some paranormal bullshit, it's not a prediction, but just something i have to find out about myself. i don't think i'm actually going to die, but a part of me will. 
atleast, my mind is pretty 
certain of it. and if i can't trust my intuition, what can i? i don't want this to be clear, but i'm afraid this part of death in me will show itmself sooner than expected.
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