eat me, drink me.

Today, i feel marilyn manson. now you can ask yourself : how the hell can you feel marilyn manson? well, with other words, i feel like shocking people, i feel gothic, i feel like listening to weird, hard music. i buyed a corset. a black, gothic-corset. well, i didn't buy it yet, bu i'm going to. at the end of the month,when i have money. i went shopping... first with marlies, than with rintjo with us. we dressed him. really,really gay! it was hilarious! well, a guy who's stupid enough to go shop with the girls, must feel the consiquences. than, i bought candy. you might say that's not really interresting, but when i got out of the store, my candy dropped. an the ground! my pour, pour candy! it didn't diserve this horrible desteny. it was maid to be eaten. and not by the pigeons! and think of the poor pigeons, if they eat it! their stomic will swull and they will BLOW! oh no, so many pigeons i killed! and all the guys did, was laughing with me! life's so unfair... later, rintjo went at my house. nothing happend ther that's made for your eyes to read, en for the rest not really something iterresting. you know, my life sound more boring than it is sometimes. and more depressed. it's just that, the depressing times, you can remember more easely. sometimes it seems like all you have is bad memories... well,what ever!
big kiss!

the dentist

today feels like a horrormovie. i have to go to... the dentist. for my brace. oh god, i hate that woman. with her metal hooks that scratch over my teeth. i get goosebumps all over my body off it. i the mornign,when i woke up, i had the false hope that this may been a sunny day. wrong. so wrong. again cloudy and cold and rainy. life's not fair! just when i heard my testresults are great, it rains and storms and it's colder than with cristmass. the day was pretty boring. the most interresting part is at the dentist. first she lets me wait an houer extra, than she first has to find someone and than she puts 7 steal wires in my mouth. i can barely eat! man i hate that woman.
 i think that i'm going to bite her if she continues annoying me like that. after that, i finnaly can pick up my cellphone that was in repair. on msn, something interresting happens. my ex-boyfriend (matthias) starts talking to me again. first, we don't say much, but than we make jokes and laugh. strange, but i like it. i know he's flirting with depression. later than that, nothing really interresting happens. man,my life can be so boring sometimes...
big kiss!

winter in june

today when i got out of my bed, i allmost froze to my floor.  my warm cheets were far more tempting than the cold outside world. but i couldn't stay in my bed forever, and the fact that there wasn't school made things a whole lot better. today was chill and calm,accept for the evening,when they were going to call for my examresults. AND this was the big day of the confrontation between my boyfriend an dempsey. not such a chill day after all... me and rintjo went yesterday at his house? guess what.. the perfetic loser wasn't home. BUT, his mom was. and the stupid woman gave us his number of his cellphone. so,rintjo send him messages, that we were 2 girls who wanted do have a relation with him, and we spoke off at gent-south. there, you had to see his face if he noticed that we weren't 2 girls! hilarious. he looked a bit like a little pig. espacially when he started to get nervous! well, he still lives, and he came off with the fear and a himuliation. nothing really interresting happend later, untill tonight. i think i'm going to die off tress! if i had to do the tirth yearover, they're going to call tonight. untill when can they call?! why doesn't anyone says it's going to be fin?! WHY?!!!! ok, breath in...breath out... it's going to be just fine. just...fine...

a pigeon on a metalconcert

today was different than the others. it wasn't dark and empty,no, even with no little spark of sunshine in the sight,my day was sunny and happy. the morning i had to spend on school was spastical hyperactif while i lost my houers with talking to the teacher and the class.  
after that, i could even stand the complaining of my mom. and later, 
with rintjo, i knew i had to be
mad,but i couldn't. i don't know, but something made me happy.
especially the pigeons made me 
laugh. what is not funny about a pigeon, be fair! the way they walk 
alone! to laugh untill you die.
that's why they belong on a metalconcert. they headbang if they walk, i swear! :D no, ididn't do drugs, this is just the happy me (the depressed me you allready met, see the previous days...) so now,everything's allright. not really, but it is in my head. you guys can think i'm a weirdo,but... well i am. i goddamned tattood "fuck the system" in my leg! crazyness doesn't hurt, tears do. learn from that.
big kiss!

black

today is black. dead and sad and black. i woke up at 8 in the mornign,just to clean my room to see rintjo, and there the black starts. he came to me with vicky. i have no problems with her. i hadn't. it started really small and i didn't even got it in the beginning. they just gave pinches to eachother. than they tickeled eachother. offcours i didn't liked that,but hey, who am i to forbid him to have friends. i knew that he stayed over with her last night,because they went out that night. i didn't really had problems with that, because he promissed me that he would sleep in a different room. wrong. totaly wrong. piece by piece i had to hear how she slept in his arms, how she went sleepy by his haertbeat. how his breath was easy. how they didn't went out but stayed on the coutch all night and watched dvd's. i don't know how,but at that moment,i could hide how my heart was breaking. how i felt like they stepped on my soul of glass. i felt so miserable,i could cry. i screamed,i yelled, i died inside. but he didn't noticed. something broke inside. but he didn't noticed. he just pushed me away. ferther and ferther. i don't know if he knew. but it hurted so much. it felt like i crashed. with my face on the ground. humuliated in front of the girl i have to compare with. and now is my day black as the soul i used to have. as the pieces that once were "me" . i really feel like dying right now.

dead

i came to a terrible constentation this morning. i woke up,took a shower and went down. there,i see something what's the best to compare with a battlefield after war. there were fethers and blood everywhere. and my cat was just sleeping,a little too happy for me. the bird,i taught. THE BIRD! oh no,poor poor bleubeard! not even something left to burry. i should have protected him. i kind of feel like it's my fault. well,the rest of the day i spend with my boyfriend (let's not give details...) and later that night i felt so empty again. i was hungry,but only the taught of food alone made me sick. i was lonely,but i would only felt worse in company. i wanted to do something,but i couldn't.. i just couldn't.i just had a silent grey rush in my head,in my vains. like the feeling i couldn't hide for myself. for my dangerous, stormy life i created myself. well,i'm still alone. my bird is dead. i don't know what to do or to feel. i hit my head 4 times today. things are not really f*cking great. you know that song"iris"? well,that's pretty much the way i feel right now. good night and so long.

today

you know those days that just don't feel right? it allready started in the morning. fysics-exam was horrible! and the taught that my boyfriend wanted to knock some guy in the hospital because of my fault,didn't made things better. well,my fault... that's much to say, because actually it was his fault.  nobody treats the girlfriend of rintjo (my boyfriend) like a hoocker! but that's than for tomorow. i'll let it know if the guy is dead. so,after the exam (the final!!) i was first going to eat a bite with my girlfriends,and than to rintjo. stressy! first we lost half an houer with discussing if my tatoo (i tatood "fuck the system" in my leg myself,with a needle and inkt) was apropriat or not. wel,i'm SORRY succers,but it's TATTOOD and it's in my leg forever. omg what have i done? who knows i'm gonna be like a bussynesswoman later and i'll have to cover my leg FOR EVER!! but,anyway,we went to the snackbar. i wanted a sandwich. i wanted a goddamn sandwich! but than everybody comes with greasy french fries and dirty but o so tasty meat. ok, resistance away! i'm going to feel so sorry tomorow! but,anyway,than i needet to go. 
 i really wanted to put on my way too high heels to go 
my date with rintjo,but i would came back. with the high heels!
offcours,those shoes weren't really comfortable. i just came at gent south, and i allready had red spots on my feet
 because of those bloody shoes. well, there he was.
with... a girl? "this is vicky" ok, hi vicky. i hoped it wasn't the plan of walking around with her all afternoon? anyway, vicky was a really crazy,friendly,nice girl. and we just walking her home, and we go to his place. we just go there (no details on the afternoon, too personel ;)) and back. and by the time i get and gent-south again,my feet feel like they're trapped in a beartrap. on of those heavy things with spikes on it. just...a...little...ferder...to...home! aaauw! once home,,i'm glad i'm alone. i don't know why. it's just,i'm that kind of person,that needs silence in her head sometimes. to think. to concentrate. it felt.. so wrong in my head. like i forgot something. like there was something missing. but not company. no,like something that warned me that there was something huge and trethening was coming. well,anyway,the day is over. if something interresting happens,i'll let it know