the lost cellphone

i had a quest today. offcourse, i didn't defeat dragons. i didn't fight wild horses, or angry pitbulls. tough i didn't do what a regular knight does every fucking day, i battled with something else. something called misery, depressivity,
sadness. not my own, the hole
where one of my very best friend fell in. it's not easy to pull her out, but i do. i allways do. because i know, she'd do it for me. the hole was there. it came as a black, deep nothing to me and i had to find a way out of there, together with her. she had so much to deal with, and what does she find out? her cellphone's gone. it's gone, nowhere to see. i even called it, but it was gone. she must have dropped it somewhere in the road there. everything felt a little like it went in a downwords spiral. deeper and deeper. i wanted to promiss her it would be allright, it would all be fine, but i couldn't do that. it wasn't going to be allright. i amn't allmighty, and if i was, i'd really make it better, but i couldn't. i was as powerfull as the rest of the world, and i couldn't do shit about it. so, we went looking. the ferther we walked trough the rain, the more useless i started to fell. untill i saw something shining under a car. i only had looked for a second, but i saw it shining. and guess what it was. the cellphone. after all the miserie there had been, after all the rain that had made us miserable, there was a little light to make us just a little bit more happy. for a little while, it seemed like it would all be ok. just what she needed.

time

your time is ticking away on my meadows of yesterday. but what is time? how important is that that everybody wants that badly? people say time heals the wounds.  time heals the wounds. maybe some wounds can't be heald by time. than what can you do about that? more time? more everthing-curing medicin? maybe time doesn't heal the wounds. time gives you the oppertunity to heal them yourslef. time tells you that it's over. that the wounds, no matter how deep, won't be closed anymore, because what time gives, he doesn't take back. wheter you asked fot it or not. maybe time didn't braught us together. maybe this wasn't planned? than it's all a paper dream. a fool's fantasy. only braugt by time to slaughter the flesh and skin the life. this wound won't heel. this wound is still raw and deep like it allways was, for as long as i can remember. i can't rewind this pain. i can't cure this timebom. allready expoded, but still ticking. still ticking...

...

i'm ready to break. i mean it, ready to fall, with my face on the floor. it's too much, it's just fucking too much.
 everything is stressing me out. every word anyone sais 
can make me cry right now. i scream, i yell, i die inside. but no-one can hear what i'm doing on the inside. no-one feels what's going on in my mind. i can allmost hear the alarmbel ticking in my head, waiting for that last thing that can make it explode. it makes me feel like a balloon, filled up, more and more, untill it explodes. and after that, i feel empty. just like the balloon. i'm more in sudden death than ever. i feel worse than ever. i can't talk about everything. i can't say that that's afraid of the daylight. you can't fix what you can't see. am i pushing you away? are you afraid to know this truth? or am i afraid of it. is it me who tries to deny what's clearly alive?

wake me up if you're gone

once upon a time, i discoverd what hate is. this story looks like a fairytale if you just read this first sentence. maybe this was a bad, scary fairytale, just without a happy ever after. just about a girl that discoverd hate and a man that i won't call man but monster that discoverd the hate of that same girl. locked up in eachothers lives, but both impossible to escape. yes, i hate you. i hate you to the bone. i can't stand the taught you live. i can't stand you looking alive and well, if my only wish is that you die. if my only great hope is that once you'll escape from the inside 
of my life. i caught myself in these 
taughts allmost every day. only spoken to the walls, not even out loud, feared by the damage they will do. i amn't even alowed to hate you. my own mother blames me for it. she knows the horrible reasen, that is afraid of the daylight, but i can't hate. she won't let me. so i lock it up. and deep inside, where no-one notices it, it grows. bigger and bigger. maybe i'll explode someday. maybe the walls can't stand my inner 
scream anmore someday. and
whgo knows what is going to come out than...

my dirty little secret

last night, between panic and laughter, between the fear in our eyes and the fun in our voices, we ran, as hard as we could. we ran far away from the place we had a warm little piece of heaven. not because it wasn't heaven anymore, but because we had to go. and after we ran a lot, after we couldn't stop laughing anymore, i only felt this warm great love for him. like i could handle this confusing beautiful, allmost perfect moment only if he'd stay with me.  he just switched the place of the stars and the ground and back. and so we got as fast as possible away, only chased by the night, and an imaginary fear. a sweet, imaginary hunter. only hunting untill we got closer together, until we allmost became one. the rittm of his heartbeat, the sound of his steps. it all became intence like fire in our soul. things don't have to go like they allways do to be happy. to need nothing but you breath and your love. to forget about the world around you. x3

grafitti walls

the rain drops like happy little death on my warm white skin.
overtaken i come one with the grafitti walls behind me. the time leaves me alone, leaves me hurrying to the place i don't have to be. my legs are breathing every step, allmost forbidden to stop
 walking. carefully, afraid to stop, my blood rushes trough my vains. i can hear the heartbeat of fainted people trough the walls in
the houses. trough the grafitti walls i'm only a part of. am i a sacrifice if i stop walking now? or wouldn't anyone care if i'd just stopped here and left myself to the wolves. the wolves aren't
really wolves out here. they're grimm reaper, death itself, maybe just in the body
of a 10-year old boy. would anyone cared for one minute, just one minute if i'd just dissapeared
 in the purple sky above my 
head? and so my legs were bringing me to a place i don't have to be, locked up by myself in my taughts.  just because i couldn't stay on the place i once belonged. and so i dropped myself in my field of paper flowers, in my imaginary world, in my own created home over the rainbow. so i tricked myself by telling that this bittersweet haven is paradise. only forgotten to mention it was allready fallen.
...

in my field of paper flowers.

it's not going today. maybe because it's my first day of school, maybe it's because i had to drag myself out of my bed today, 
maybe it's because i don't
have koen in my near presence. during the day it went a little, as long as i kept bussy. but now i hate i hate i hate today. stupid rintjo who thinks he's something. well guess what! he's nothing! he's not my buddy! and koen is like a 1000 times better than him! in all things. and why does everybody thinks they know me? nobody really knows me exactly. no-one really wants to learn to know me. what a shity day. you know what rintjo said to me? you wanna know? well, he told me that i was the little slave of koen, and i was mad at him (rintjo) because koen told me so. than offcourse i got mad and told him he could smodder in this stupid fight, and that if he was planning to fight more with koen, he shouldn't come near me either. than, he talked to leentje.he even believed himself when he told leentje that koen wanted to ruin our "great friendship" (guess what, asshole, i'm not your friend, and i've never been) because he was jealous. i hate this shit. i hate today. i hate feelings. and i hate the sun. glad now the moon is big and silver shining me happy. glad this day is over. glad i fall in a deep sleep in a few houers, and allmost feel dead. i hope tomorow goes better.

...

just
let me die by your heartbeat
let me sleep, surrounded by your warmth.
promiss me nothing;
no world anymore
no food
no air.
just you.

i can scream at the walls
how much your presence controles 
the stupid things i used to do.
how much
it hurts
when you're leaving.
i can scream 3 stupid words
just to show myself, not ment for someone else
how much
i love you.

just in case
you wouldn't know...

lonelyness is the enemy

it's allmost 11, i'm all alone in the house in front of my computer. and the lonelyness strikes. it happens a lot to me, when i don't really want to be with someone (accept for one person, i long to be with him every minute of the day) because i feel tired, but not sleepy. but i also feel terribly lonely. i feel like the whole world around me is dead and i forgot about them a long time ago. since i've been back from turkey, i've been haunted by nightmares. every single night i dream i die. one night i have to play a horrible game for my life, the other i die slowely with just an houer left to live. but all dreams have one thing in coment. they all feel like they're real. every night i feel litterly the life being suckt out of my body. every night again, i can taste the horrible last minutes of a humans life. untill i wake up, and try to forget what i dremt and just continue living my life as allways. but these nightmares don't just feel like normal dreams, that you forget before you wake up. no, i can stil taste every detail of them. i can hear my subcontience screaming to the part brain i use every day
 that there's something's not right. that there's something bad's about to happen. and i hold my heart and die to know what deep inside me is allready clear, but can't reach the surface. what horrible thing do i know inside that let me die every night? only that by itself makes me lonely. because the only one that can find out what me is trying to tell me is... well, me. and this is not some paranormal bullshit, it's not a prediction, but just something i have to find out about myself. i don't think i'm actually going to die, but a part of me will. 
atleast, my mind is pretty 
certain of it. and if i can't trust my intuition, what can i? i don't want this to be clear, but i'm afraid this part of death in me will show itmself sooner than expected.
...

preparing for the storm(1/08/07)

whatever created earth and sky ; god, boeddha, satan, maybe the fucking fairyprincess. it feel so wrong what it's doing to me right now. love isn't great. love isn't as beautiful as people try to pretend, but cruel and hard and doesn't allways has a happy ending. saying goodbye to koen is the hardest thing i've ever done. and my dad decided to punish me tonight, our last night we can spend together. i put large, dark sunglasses on my face today, to cover the tears in my eyes. i don't understand this, why do i feel this horrible mess for someone i don't really know. but i long to know him, to learn every detail there is about him. my dad is hard and doesn't give in when i beg him to punish me another day, but when i burst in tears, he gets softer and decides to let me go to sleep at eleven. the short time i was allowed to spend with him, hurted more than 
during the day, when i
wasn't with him. i wanted to never again let go of him, but knew it had to. i wanted to die there, so i wouldn't have to say goodbye. the words "i love you" were like drugs in my vains, at the moment my whole body trembled of them, but i allready knew that they only would bring pain tomorow. i only got one houer extra, in my room, and after that, i couldn't stand it anymore being on the place he was just a minute ago. right now, i didn't cry more than one tear. but the emptyness he left is a thousand times more painfull than all the tears i cried in my life together. i learned there's something like soft sadness, when you can cry it out. and there's empty sadness. and you just stay with that, untill it became so unclear that you just don't notice it anymore. life is less a joke than ever tonight. like evanescence said:

I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
Erase the silence
Erase my life
Our burning ashes
Blacken the day
A world of nothingness
Blow me away

getting hopeless (1/08/07)

2 days it's been, since i started loving koen. and like i expected, this isn't just starshine and bumblebees. my time with koen is getting shorter and shorter, and the more time is passing, the more i love him. i hate myself for wanting to be with this sweet, mysterious guy i don't even know. but like it's a heartless, cruel game, i also cheer to myself for every taught i spend on him. and believe me, that's a lot. all day i can't think about anything else than the next time i can be as close as possible to him. and because my love is fresh and honest, it feels like a bittersweet disease. i allmost don't eat, and only do it because i want to live, i sleep bad, haunted by my taughts and feelings, and everytime i think about it, my stomic turn and gives a loud protest for not being with him. and those torturing candysweet taughts follow me all the time, like a pink fly. and from the moment i see the chance, i go look for him. that isn't really such a hard thing to do, because every night we have an unspoken appointement at the pooltable. no, love and falling in love isn't something to laugh with. my parents might not take me serious, but the feeling i get if i realise he's going to leave in a couple of day, feels like a slap in my face. a scratch on my happyness, a painfull fact i can't deny.
life's hard...

in conversation with my sheep (29/07/07)

i bought a sheep today. no real one, but a little gift, for leentje. and because i hadn't anyone else to talk to, i talked to my sheep. little sheep, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm afraid... i'm afraid i'm falling in love. not with the annoying weither who wants to get into my pants, not with another turkish guy, not with gregory or rintjo again (i don't even want to think about that) and not with you. no, my fury little friend, not even with you. with koen. someone from antwerp i met her, in kusadasi, in altin saray. and i don't know what to do, how to react when i see him tomorow, what to say if he speaks to me. tonight, i first noticed it.first, we just played pool together withmy brother and his. after that, we went walking together, and i felt like screaming : say something that makes me believe you like me, stop thinking and say what's in that wicked mind that i don't know.  and i know that you live in antwerp and i'm tricking myself because you probably don't even want to be with me right now, and certainly not if you're in antwerp, and i'm in gent. and maybe i'm doing this to you too, if you like me, but i don't even want to hope for it, because it's going to hurts so much if you walk away. and all those taughts turned quicker and quicker trough my head, and than BAM. they stopped. my fast, painfull taughts stopped. and he layed his hand into mine. spontane. and i couldn't think much more anymore, but i felt my heart beating trough my whole body. after we returned i wanted to never leave him alone again, but i also had a strong feeling that i annoyed him the whole time. and now, dear sheep, i don't know anything anymore. i forgot everything i ever learned from love, and want to be with him, but still got the feeling he doesn't want the same. you know what? i'll let the time point me the way, even tough it might be a dissapointment. goodnight, sweet little sheep!

arrival (24/17/07)

2 seconds, i had the illusion i saw a star. untill i saw him moving, faster and faster. and than he just stopped shining, and became clearly it wasn't a star. weird, how i thaught i saw something for just a second. how i felt happyer and softer for not more than 2 seconds, what means nothing in a human life, until the thing stopped shining and became reality again. today is thrown away. all day long i've sit, watched, waited. just to go to another country, just to go watch -together with a milion other tourists- the people who live here,while we just see them as something we like to see. like an object of decoration "world". like something that's painted against the sky. and am i happy now? no. i don't think so. it's hard to pretend like i don't know any better, while my mind sais something else. it's hard to feel loved while i know their smiles are cold and hard in the inside. it's cruel, but reality. we are the masters, thet have to serve us. in their own country. i don't like the taught, but i'll fit in. like the falling star that stopped shining and wasn't really a star.

turkey

there i go. leaving altin saray.the place i saw as a paradise first, the place where my paradise fell when i noticed my wishes are'nt so great if they come true. the place where i fell deadly in love, found friendship, happyness, frustrations and tears. no, my loyel readers. i found out that even on vacation life isn't a joke. i wrote a lot in turkey, and i'll puplish it all, with date with it. turkey was not how i expected it to be. i wanted it to be like egypt, but i found more dissapointments than my last vacation. at first, my blonde hair was-especially in the beginning- more a curse than a blessing. from the day i arrived, i got some special attention from the weithers. you know, i'm a teenage girl. i like attention. but too much is too much, and it isn't fun to be an object of their desires. allready the first night, one of them came to me to "make a date" at the swimmingpool, that night at eleven. i was just sitting there, not for him, with koen (such a long, beautiful story who that is) and he just came to me to ask if i wanted to come to his room and the guy just kissed me! i was in shock. but all of this and more story's, you'll read in the next few publications.

freedom^^

before i continue my story about roemenia, i have a big announcement. i'm... free! i broke up with rintjo. at the end, i got so crazy, i just got sick every time i taught of him. and with that, i went to pole pole (gentse fieste) with lyssa, and who worked at the bar? francis. you know, the guy who let me carry the rock that night. i came to him deadseriously, looked into his eyes, and asked him for beer. and you know what's the funny thing? he couldn't refuse it! because he worked there, and i could order whatever i wanted. you know, it's a hot summernight, it's gentse fieste, and i don't really feel like writing this things down. i'll right to you tomorow for sure!
big kiss.

back from roemenia!

well, my loyel readers, i'm back. i'm happy to have a toilet, a shower, a bed,... again, but i'd rather want to be there again. i don't know why. i sufferd a lot (the long,hard walks) but everytime i accomplished a day, i felt like the top of the world. my strongest memorie is the worst of all. life ain't fair, you allways remeber the bad things the best. 
and, the memorie is stronger than the 
experience at the moment. it was the last night, and we could walk around by ourselfs in the city. we hadn't seen a city for 2 weeks, so we were pretty exited, offcourse. at the end, my brother and tim wanted to bring some beer to the place we slept. offcourse, the leaders of the group couldn't know that. so, i had a bag, and i sujested to bring it in my bag. but the leaders aren't stupid. every bag was checked, including mine. they discovered it, and i told them it wasn't mine, but i wasn't planning of betraying my brother, or tim. so, francis said we were going to make a little walk later that night. i saw that he was bluffing, so i just laught it away. i was pushing him to do it, i didn't even noticed that myself at the beginning. also the busride, i just laught with him. at night, we decided to all sleep outside. it was very hot, so no problem with that. rancis was so pissed off, and when i also talked to rose when i had to sleep, he said i had to put on some pants and shoes. i saw in his eyes it wasn't a game anymore. i was become deadserious. but to show it wasn't doing me a thing, i kept laughing with it. maybe it still was a game. but a game for power this time, a game for who has the most confidence. when i wanted to go get my shoes, it wasn't nessecary anymore, he said. at a path with all little stones on it, i had to jog with him and bart. at 3 o' clock in tha night. it was pretty hard, and my feet hurted like hell, but i'd rather bit a piece of my tongue than complaining about it. than, because i still was laughing with them, i had to take a big heavy rock of 5 kilos with me. but, i didn't show the anger in my eyes, and the pain in my arms and feet. than they talked to me. for a long, long time, while i was standing there, with the rock in my arms. i looked into francis' eyes the whole time. i was showing him that they weren't going to crack me. never. i'll never betray my brother. after some more walking the rocxk, i trew him away and run off. just, away. i couldn't stand the fact that 2 grown-up men let a 14-year old girl walk around with a rock at4 o'clock in the morning. that's just... not right. and with that, they tried to push me as far as i pushed them. i screamed at francis that he's a sadistic fuck. and what does he sais? "well, you're metal, aren't you? i taught you liked sadistic,satanistic stuff?" and a litle later he sais: "you're punk and rebel, i think you like to be an example,isn't it?" than, i run away. that fucking moment. and when i got back, an houer? half an houer? later, he came to talk to me. that it wasn't personal. be serious, how more serious can you get? how more can you try to crack someones spirit? but i wasn't going to let that happen. never. after that, i layed awake the whole night and morning. and i looked at bart. i knew he was weaker than francis. he felt this wasn't right, he felt my pain, and couldn't look into my eyes. he couldn't stand seeing my hate for him. but i kept looking at him, and it drove him crazy. the next morning felt so weird. last night my enemies,today the persons who are responsible for my safety. but i wasn't planning on just forget last night. and believe me,i didn't. but, the rest, i'll tell you tomorow.
big kiss!

and you will know us by the trail of death...

...atleast, if my angry look could kill today. i'm pretty happy now, but today felt like everything
was wrong. the way rintjo treated me (like a fucking princess), the way my creditcard blocked when i wanted to buy a ticket to pukkelpop, and the fact that i had to get up at 8 in the morning so the workers in oure house wouldn't have to see me naked (like they wouldn't like it...) and much other things that annoyed me. the only thing that maked me happy, where my new shoes i got! omg, i love them! they're black allstars with skulls on them! moehaha nice. and offcourse, the pigeons. they could make me laugh even if it was war. than, i like saw this amazing top on sale! but than i realized, my creditcard was blocked. but, anyway, i had my shoes, and i was happy. after rintjo
was gone, nothing really interresting happend. i know i said he maid me puke yesterday, but today, after i got my shoes, i could stand it a little more being around him. and i was even exited when he said he could go with me to pukkelpop. tomorow, i don't have to worry about how i'm going to spend my wasted time around him, because (wheter he likes it or not) i'm going shopping with leentje. and that evening, i leave for roemenia for 2 weeks. so, i'm not going to write blogs those 2 weeks, but than, i'm going to write everyday to my readers (that's about 2 or 3)! now, i'm going to cick my 2 brother's asses 
on the playstation.
big kiss!

i'm not 70!

if i look back at this day : i think : omg. i acted like an old woman today! and it's rintjo's fucking fault! offcours, we've been together today (he's really starting to get on my nerves again)
and first, we did the dishes together. not because i really had to, he just saw them lying there, andd he decided to do th fucking dishes! what is wrong with the guy? than, we went walking with my dog. well, RO-MAN-TIC but so old! why does he want "us" to be like an old couple? why can't we go to the city? make fun? WHY? than, a woman called about buying over my schoolbooks. i was thankfull to god (or satan) that i could have my hands to something else for a little while! he said he had to leave at 4 o'clock, but you know what? GREAT FUCKING NEWS! his mom said he could stay longer! than, my mom asked if he wanted to sip a cup of tea with her and my grandpa. and what does the guy say? yes. what kind of NORMAL 16-year old boy wants to sip a cup of tea with his girfriend's mom and grandpa? what kind of? well, mine, appearently. than, we went to my room. what did we do? we romanticly layed into eachothers arms. man, it's annoying me. you want to know what he said? "i'd like to do this, on an evening, together on the coutch, while we watch a romantic film under a warm blanket and eat chips and have something to drink." i taught i was going to puke. ok, it's not good if all a guy does is think about sex. but just a little is really welcome! i'm not ready to do those things yet!
i want to party, hang out, have sex. but not sit like an old married couple in front of the tv when we're home alone.  i wanted to scream, i swear! and than, my mom invited him 
to dinner. and what did he 
say? you know what he said.
 after that he helped cleaning up (surprise,surprise) i wanted him
out, really. but nooo, it took another houer to get him out. and than... my mom sais to him that he can come over tomorow. no. pleas NOOOOO! i love him, i do, but i'm going to puke him out if he's with me still this much! i swear! like the cheese! i don't think he understood my message. i don't know what to do. i'll tell you tomorow what happend. i think i'm going to give him a punch if he wants to kiss me. it's stronger than myself!
god help me...

like the wind

today, i didn't really knew how to feel. one moment, i wanted to be with rintjo, the other, he just had to stay off my body. the one moment, i was laughing (pretty hystericly) and the other i was deadserious and angry. 2 men came to work at oure house this morning. one was a year of 50, and the other was a delicious guy of 26. D-licious! and i had the privelige to watch his cute but all day. just a shame it was just today i was going to have to talk to rintjo. that didn't went just like i wanted it to go. but i talked to him,and if the message didn't came trough now, than there's something really wrong with the guy. first we had a discussion about pornormal gifts. he thinks he can feel "gosts" in his room and that his dreams predict the future. what kind of BULLSHIT is that? dreams are a game of your mind that put pieces of your thaugts, feelings, memories and things you saw in one film, they don't predict. but hey, i ried my best to convince him, if he wants to believe all this messed up crap, than that's his problem. after that, we went walking, and talked about "us". i'm not really sure that he understood my point, but if he didn't, i seriously doubt his brain-qualitys. later, in my room, my crazyness began. he asked me what i realy wanted to do in my life. and i said deadseriously : i'd like to murder someone sometime. i wonder how it feels to push a knife trough someone's chest.  and than run for the cops...
 i think that would be nice.
 you should've saw him looking. i love it! and that moment, i ment it too. man, i freak myself out sometimes. well, i don't really feel like writing anymore, but i'll tell you more tomorow about the but of the worker!
big kiss

freaking out

i'm sorry i didn't wrote anything for the last 2 days, but just nothing interresting happens. if you see everything by itself. if you take all the pieces of the puzzle and put 
them together, than you become a scary reality. the reality is : rintjo is like an anaconda. he holds me in a strong grip right by my troath. i swear, i had too much. TOO MUCH! i'm going to freak out if there's one more smssignal that's he controlated me,or that he wants to see me over and over and over again and again every single fucking day!! i don't even want to be with me that much. and how much he wants to believe it, this ain't my fault. he's my boyfriend,not my siamese twin! and than i talk to him, he acted like it was all MY fault. can you believe it? he treats me like michael scoffield, and than it's my fault! i'm going to talk to him tomorow,and if i still feel like scratching his eyes out, than i don't know anymore. he just has to stop thinking black-white. it's not so that one of the two controles the relation, while the other listens. he thinks that, if it isn't him, it's me. but it won't work that way! how can he not see that? anyway, if you don't count that, my last 2 days weren't really bad. just going to my family (and who could babysit? that's right...) and going to lyssa. i did find out how hard it is to find something to do on a sundayafternoon. well, further, nothing really interresting happend.
big kiss!

eat me, drink me.

Today, i feel marilyn manson. now you can ask yourself : how the hell can you feel marilyn manson? well, with other words, i feel like shocking people, i feel gothic, i feel like listening to weird, hard music. i buyed a corset. a black, gothic-corset. well, i didn't buy it yet, bu i'm going to. at the end of the month,when i have money. i went shopping... first with marlies, than with rintjo with us. we dressed him. really,really gay! it was hilarious! well, a guy who's stupid enough to go shop with the girls, must feel the consiquences. than, i bought candy. you might say that's not really interresting, but when i got out of the store, my candy dropped. an the ground! my pour, pour candy! it didn't diserve this horrible desteny. it was maid to be eaten. and not by the pigeons! and think of the poor pigeons, if they eat it! their stomic will swull and they will BLOW! oh no, so many pigeons i killed! and all the guys did, was laughing with me! life's so unfair... later, rintjo went at my house. nothing happend ther that's made for your eyes to read, en for the rest not really something iterresting. you know, my life sound more boring than it is sometimes. and more depressed. it's just that, the depressing times, you can remember more easely. sometimes it seems like all you have is bad memories... well,what ever!
big kiss!

the dentist

today feels like a horrormovie. i have to go to... the dentist. for my brace. oh god, i hate that woman. with her metal hooks that scratch over my teeth. i get goosebumps all over my body off it. i the mornign,when i woke up, i had the false hope that this may been a sunny day. wrong. so wrong. again cloudy and cold and rainy. life's not fair! just when i heard my testresults are great, it rains and storms and it's colder than with cristmass. the day was pretty boring. the most interresting part is at the dentist. first she lets me wait an houer extra, than she first has to find someone and than she puts 7 steal wires in my mouth. i can barely eat! man i hate that woman.
 i think that i'm going to bite her if she continues annoying me like that. after that, i finnaly can pick up my cellphone that was in repair. on msn, something interresting happens. my ex-boyfriend (matthias) starts talking to me again. first, we don't say much, but than we make jokes and laugh. strange, but i like it. i know he's flirting with depression. later than that, nothing really interresting happens. man,my life can be so boring sometimes...
big kiss!

winter in june

today when i got out of my bed, i allmost froze to my floor.  my warm cheets were far more tempting than the cold outside world. but i couldn't stay in my bed forever, and the fact that there wasn't school made things a whole lot better. today was chill and calm,accept for the evening,when they were going to call for my examresults. AND this was the big day of the confrontation between my boyfriend an dempsey. not such a chill day after all... me and rintjo went yesterday at his house? guess what.. the perfetic loser wasn't home. BUT, his mom was. and the stupid woman gave us his number of his cellphone. so,rintjo send him messages, that we were 2 girls who wanted do have a relation with him, and we spoke off at gent-south. there, you had to see his face if he noticed that we weren't 2 girls! hilarious. he looked a bit like a little pig. espacially when he started to get nervous! well, he still lives, and he came off with the fear and a himuliation. nothing really interresting happend later, untill tonight. i think i'm going to die off tress! if i had to do the tirth yearover, they're going to call tonight. untill when can they call?! why doesn't anyone says it's going to be fin?! WHY?!!!! ok, breath in...breath out... it's going to be just fine. just...fine...

a pigeon on a metalconcert

today was different than the others. it wasn't dark and empty,no, even with no little spark of sunshine in the sight,my day was sunny and happy. the morning i had to spend on school was spastical hyperactif while i lost my houers with talking to the teacher and the class.  
after that, i could even stand the complaining of my mom. and later, 
with rintjo, i knew i had to be
mad,but i couldn't. i don't know, but something made me happy.
especially the pigeons made me 
laugh. what is not funny about a pigeon, be fair! the way they walk 
alone! to laugh untill you die.
that's why they belong on a metalconcert. they headbang if they walk, i swear! :D no, ididn't do drugs, this is just the happy me (the depressed me you allready met, see the previous days...) so now,everything's allright. not really, but it is in my head. you guys can think i'm a weirdo,but... well i am. i goddamned tattood "fuck the system" in my leg! crazyness doesn't hurt, tears do. learn from that.
big kiss!

black

today is black. dead and sad and black. i woke up at 8 in the mornign,just to clean my room to see rintjo, and there the black starts. he came to me with vicky. i have no problems with her. i hadn't. it started really small and i didn't even got it in the beginning. they just gave pinches to eachother. than they tickeled eachother. offcours i didn't liked that,but hey, who am i to forbid him to have friends. i knew that he stayed over with her last night,because they went out that night. i didn't really had problems with that, because he promissed me that he would sleep in a different room. wrong. totaly wrong. piece by piece i had to hear how she slept in his arms, how she went sleepy by his haertbeat. how his breath was easy. how they didn't went out but stayed on the coutch all night and watched dvd's. i don't know how,but at that moment,i could hide how my heart was breaking. how i felt like they stepped on my soul of glass. i felt so miserable,i could cry. i screamed,i yelled, i died inside. but he didn't noticed. something broke inside. but he didn't noticed. he just pushed me away. ferther and ferther. i don't know if he knew. but it hurted so much. it felt like i crashed. with my face on the ground. humuliated in front of the girl i have to compare with. and now is my day black as the soul i used to have. as the pieces that once were "me" . i really feel like dying right now.

dead

i came to a terrible constentation this morning. i woke up,took a shower and went down. there,i see something what's the best to compare with a battlefield after war. there were fethers and blood everywhere. and my cat was just sleeping,a little too happy for me. the bird,i taught. THE BIRD! oh no,poor poor bleubeard! not even something left to burry. i should have protected him. i kind of feel like it's my fault. well,the rest of the day i spend with my boyfriend (let's not give details...) and later that night i felt so empty again. i was hungry,but only the taught of food alone made me sick. i was lonely,but i would only felt worse in company. i wanted to do something,but i couldn't.. i just couldn't.i just had a silent grey rush in my head,in my vains. like the feeling i couldn't hide for myself. for my dangerous, stormy life i created myself. well,i'm still alone. my bird is dead. i don't know what to do or to feel. i hit my head 4 times today. things are not really f*cking great. you know that song"iris"? well,that's pretty much the way i feel right now. good night and so long.

today

you know those days that just don't feel right? it allready started in the morning. fysics-exam was horrible! and the taught that my boyfriend wanted to knock some guy in the hospital because of my fault,didn't made things better. well,my fault... that's much to say, because actually it was his fault.  nobody treats the girlfriend of rintjo (my boyfriend) like a hoocker! but that's than for tomorow. i'll let it know if the guy is dead. so,after the exam (the final!!) i was first going to eat a bite with my girlfriends,and than to rintjo. stressy! first we lost half an houer with discussing if my tatoo (i tatood "fuck the system" in my leg myself,with a needle and inkt) was apropriat or not. wel,i'm SORRY succers,but it's TATTOOD and it's in my leg forever. omg what have i done? who knows i'm gonna be like a bussynesswoman later and i'll have to cover my leg FOR EVER!! but,anyway,we went to the snackbar. i wanted a sandwich. i wanted a goddamn sandwich! but than everybody comes with greasy french fries and dirty but o so tasty meat. ok, resistance away! i'm going to feel so sorry tomorow! but,anyway,than i needet to go. 
 i really wanted to put on my way too high heels to go 
my date with rintjo,but i would came back. with the high heels!
offcours,those shoes weren't really comfortable. i just came at gent south, and i allready had red spots on my feet
 because of those bloody shoes. well, there he was.
with... a girl? "this is vicky" ok, hi vicky. i hoped it wasn't the plan of walking around with her all afternoon? anyway, vicky was a really crazy,friendly,nice girl. and we just walking her home, and we go to his place. we just go there (no details on the afternoon, too personel ;)) and back. and by the time i get and gent-south again,my feet feel like they're trapped in a beartrap. on of those heavy things with spikes on it. just...a...little...ferder...to...home! aaauw! once home,,i'm glad i'm alone. i don't know why. it's just,i'm that kind of person,that needs silence in her head sometimes. to think. to concentrate. it felt.. so wrong in my head. like i forgot something. like there was something missing. but not company. no,like something that warned me that there was something huge and trethening was coming. well,anyway,the day is over. if something interresting happens,i'll let it know