...

just
let me die by your heartbeat
let me sleep, surrounded by your warmth.
promiss me nothing;
no world anymore
no food
no air.
just you.

i can scream at the walls
how much your presence controles 
the stupid things i used to do.
how much
it hurts
when you're leaving.
i can scream 3 stupid words
just to show myself, not ment for someone else
how much
i love you.

just in case
you wouldn't know...

lonelyness is the enemy

it's allmost 11, i'm all alone in the house in front of my computer. and the lonelyness strikes. it happens a lot to me, when i don't really want to be with someone (accept for one person, i long to be with him every minute of the day) because i feel tired, but not sleepy. but i also feel terribly lonely. i feel like the whole world around me is dead and i forgot about them a long time ago. since i've been back from turkey, i've been haunted by nightmares. every single night i dream i die. one night i have to play a horrible game for my life, the other i die slowely with just an houer left to live. but all dreams have one thing in coment. they all feel like they're real. every night i feel litterly the life being suckt out of my body. every night again, i can taste the horrible last minutes of a humans life. untill i wake up, and try to forget what i dremt and just continue living my life as allways. but these nightmares don't just feel like normal dreams, that you forget before you wake up. no, i can stil taste every detail of them. i can hear my subcontience screaming to the part brain i use every day
 that there's something's not right. that there's something bad's about to happen. and i hold my heart and die to know what deep inside me is allready clear, but can't reach the surface. what horrible thing do i know inside that let me die every night? only that by itself makes me lonely. because the only one that can find out what me is trying to tell me is... well, me. and this is not some paranormal bullshit, it's not a prediction, but just something i have to find out about myself. i don't think i'm actually going to die, but a part of me will. 
atleast, my mind is pretty 
certain of it. and if i can't trust my intuition, what can i? i don't want this to be clear, but i'm afraid this part of death in me will show itmself sooner than expected.
...

preparing for the storm(1/08/07)

whatever created earth and sky ; god, boeddha, satan, maybe the fucking fairyprincess. it feel so wrong what it's doing to me right now. love isn't great. love isn't as beautiful as people try to pretend, but cruel and hard and doesn't allways has a happy ending. saying goodbye to koen is the hardest thing i've ever done. and my dad decided to punish me tonight, our last night we can spend together. i put large, dark sunglasses on my face today, to cover the tears in my eyes. i don't understand this, why do i feel this horrible mess for someone i don't really know. but i long to know him, to learn every detail there is about him. my dad is hard and doesn't give in when i beg him to punish me another day, but when i burst in tears, he gets softer and decides to let me go to sleep at eleven. the short time i was allowed to spend with him, hurted more than 
during the day, when i
wasn't with him. i wanted to never again let go of him, but knew it had to. i wanted to die there, so i wouldn't have to say goodbye. the words "i love you" were like drugs in my vains, at the moment my whole body trembled of them, but i allready knew that they only would bring pain tomorow. i only got one houer extra, in my room, and after that, i couldn't stand it anymore being on the place he was just a minute ago. right now, i didn't cry more than one tear. but the emptyness he left is a thousand times more painfull than all the tears i cried in my life together. i learned there's something like soft sadness, when you can cry it out. and there's empty sadness. and you just stay with that, untill it became so unclear that you just don't notice it anymore. life is less a joke than ever tonight. like evanescence said:

I dream in darkness
I sleep to die
Erase the silence
Erase my life
Our burning ashes
Blacken the day
A world of nothingness
Blow me away

getting hopeless (1/08/07)

2 days it's been, since i started loving koen. and like i expected, this isn't just starshine and bumblebees. my time with koen is getting shorter and shorter, and the more time is passing, the more i love him. i hate myself for wanting to be with this sweet, mysterious guy i don't even know. but like it's a heartless, cruel game, i also cheer to myself for every taught i spend on him. and believe me, that's a lot. all day i can't think about anything else than the next time i can be as close as possible to him. and because my love is fresh and honest, it feels like a bittersweet disease. i allmost don't eat, and only do it because i want to live, i sleep bad, haunted by my taughts and feelings, and everytime i think about it, my stomic turn and gives a loud protest for not being with him. and those torturing candysweet taughts follow me all the time, like a pink fly. and from the moment i see the chance, i go look for him. that isn't really such a hard thing to do, because every night we have an unspoken appointement at the pooltable. no, love and falling in love isn't something to laugh with. my parents might not take me serious, but the feeling i get if i realise he's going to leave in a couple of day, feels like a slap in my face. a scratch on my happyness, a painfull fact i can't deny.
life's hard...

in conversation with my sheep (29/07/07)

i bought a sheep today. no real one, but a little gift, for leentje. and because i hadn't anyone else to talk to, i talked to my sheep. little sheep, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm afraid... i'm afraid i'm falling in love. not with the annoying weither who wants to get into my pants, not with another turkish guy, not with gregory or rintjo again (i don't even want to think about that) and not with you. no, my fury little friend, not even with you. with koen. someone from antwerp i met her, in kusadasi, in altin saray. and i don't know what to do, how to react when i see him tomorow, what to say if he speaks to me. tonight, i first noticed it.first, we just played pool together withmy brother and his. after that, we went walking together, and i felt like screaming : say something that makes me believe you like me, stop thinking and say what's in that wicked mind that i don't know.  and i know that you live in antwerp and i'm tricking myself because you probably don't even want to be with me right now, and certainly not if you're in antwerp, and i'm in gent. and maybe i'm doing this to you too, if you like me, but i don't even want to hope for it, because it's going to hurts so much if you walk away. and all those taughts turned quicker and quicker trough my head, and than BAM. they stopped. my fast, painfull taughts stopped. and he layed his hand into mine. spontane. and i couldn't think much more anymore, but i felt my heart beating trough my whole body. after we returned i wanted to never leave him alone again, but i also had a strong feeling that i annoyed him the whole time. and now, dear sheep, i don't know anything anymore. i forgot everything i ever learned from love, and want to be with him, but still got the feeling he doesn't want the same. you know what? i'll let the time point me the way, even tough it might be a dissapointment. goodnight, sweet little sheep!

arrival (24/17/07)

2 seconds, i had the illusion i saw a star. untill i saw him moving, faster and faster. and than he just stopped shining, and became clearly it wasn't a star. weird, how i thaught i saw something for just a second. how i felt happyer and softer for not more than 2 seconds, what means nothing in a human life, until the thing stopped shining and became reality again. today is thrown away. all day long i've sit, watched, waited. just to go to another country, just to go watch -together with a milion other tourists- the people who live here,while we just see them as something we like to see. like an object of decoration "world". like something that's painted against the sky. and am i happy now? no. i don't think so. it's hard to pretend like i don't know any better, while my mind sais something else. it's hard to feel loved while i know their smiles are cold and hard in the inside. it's cruel, but reality. we are the masters, thet have to serve us. in their own country. i don't like the taught, but i'll fit in. like the falling star that stopped shining and wasn't really a star.

turkey

there i go. leaving altin saray.the place i saw as a paradise first, the place where my paradise fell when i noticed my wishes are'nt so great if they come true. the place where i fell deadly in love, found friendship, happyness, frustrations and tears. no, my loyel readers. i found out that even on vacation life isn't a joke. i wrote a lot in turkey, and i'll puplish it all, with date with it. turkey was not how i expected it to be. i wanted it to be like egypt, but i found more dissapointments than my last vacation. at first, my blonde hair was-especially in the beginning- more a curse than a blessing. from the day i arrived, i got some special attention from the weithers. you know, i'm a teenage girl. i like attention. but too much is too much, and it isn't fun to be an object of their desires. allready the first night, one of them came to me to "make a date" at the swimmingpool, that night at eleven. i was just sitting there, not for him, with koen (such a long, beautiful story who that is) and he just came to me to ask if i wanted to come to his room and the guy just kissed me! i was in shock. but all of this and more story's, you'll read in the next few publications.